In the era of Press-Ganey scores, most physicians have finally accepted that they are essentially waiters whose job is to serve the every whim of their patients/customers. Accordingly, every good physician should be dispensing medications to suit their patients’ individual fancies regardless of actual medical indication. This often includes prescribing opiate painkillers for chronic musculoskeletal pain or wantonly dispensing antibiotics for what is clearly and demonstrably a viral upper respiratory infection.
But what about the patient with both chronic lower back pain and cold-like symptoms? Until now, these patients have been condemned to wait for two separate medications to be ordered and administered, potentially delaying their instant gratification by precious seconds or even minutes! But no longer!
As of today, the FDA has approved the new groundbreaking opiate and antibiotic combo: Dilaudicillin™. With the addictive and habit-forming properties of an opiate painkiller and the unnecessarily broad-spectrum coverage of a beta-lactam antibiotic, this new wonder drug has patients raving.
“It’s truly amazing,” said satisfied patient/customer Shirley Gaines. “I used to have to fill one Oxycontin prescription for my knee pain and another separate Azithromycin prescription for my runny nose, but with Dilaudicillin, I can treat all of my problems with one script.”
“It’s nice to finally have my concerns taken seriously,” said Bryan Smithers, who frequently visits his local ER for “multiple complaints,” as his charts delicately put it. “I don’t want to be told that my back pain will get better with physical therapy or that my cold will resolve on its own; I want a freaking pill and I want it now!”
“Sure. Whatever,” said primary care physician Lewis Tannenspiegel when asked about the efficacy of Dilaudicillin. “I guess we just give the patients whatever they want now. Maybe we should add in a benzodiazepine to the Dilaudicillin?”
Pharmaceutical companies quickly took note of this excellent suggestion to improve patient-centered care: Lorazelaudicillin is expected to be approved next year.
At press time, several additional patients were unable to provide comments due to a combination of apnea and diarrhea.